Post Oscar Rants

It was a sad, sad state of affairs last night at the Oscars and once again, I'm thankful for my TiVo which enabled me and Pa to cruise through 75% it at high speed. It's too bad, too, because I was looking forward to seeing Jon Stewart (who is revered like a god in this household) as the host, but even his one liners and little quips were cautiously delivered and painfully bland. The only time I laughed was when he announced they had run out of clips for the montage "saluting montages".

Forget, for a moment, that Crash won best motion picture; forget that Lauren Bacall needed a larger font size in the teleprompter during her presention; or that Ben Stiller, once again, proved that he's really not at all funny. Just who the hell was Joaquin Phoenix telling he loved? Maybe it's none of my business, but if you're going to mouth the words straight into the camera for me and tens of millions of others to see, I think we have a right to know.

And while I find Charlize Theron adorable, I couldn't help but be reminded of the awful little head that sprouted on Richard E. Grant's shoulder in How to Get a Head in Advertising when I saw that---that--thing on her dress. I thought it might just tell Jon Stewart to get the hell off the stage or blow a poison dart right through Jennifer Garner's voluptuous postpartum breasts, though she might have done extensive damage to herself with the razor sharp heels she wore if she had actually fallen after she tripped.

Yeah, you can say I'm truly disappointed in this year's ceremony--with the winners, the losers and the one-liners. Perhaps next year the powers that be can enlist Trey Parker and Matt Stone as the show's emcees. At least then it'd be anything but boring.