The Corkscrew at Cedar Point

He's a Geek, but he's MY Geek!

My husband sent me an e-mail this morning, asking me to print out the following commands for our dogsitter:
 

C:\> Oatmeal /?

Causes dog to pay attention and perform one or more optional tasks

OATMEAL  [/Sit /Down /Stay /Come_Here /Leave_It /Drop_It
/Take It /Shake /Off /Up /Heel /Okay
/Go] [Correct Praise]

/Sit               Dog will sit
/Down           Dog will lie down
/Stay         Dog will stay frozen like when you played freeze tag as a kid. Often  preceded by /Sit or /Down option.
/Come_Here   Dog will come running in front of you from distances up to 50 ft.Must be facing dog when used.
/Leave_It       Dog will leave alone whatever it would usually act upon during normal circumstances.(food, dogs, people, etc.)
/Drop_It                Dog will open jaw and project saliva-covered object
/Take It                 Used in conjunction with /Leave It if you want dog to have object
/Shake                   Dog presents right paw for handshake. Often used after /Sit
/Up                         Used to get dog to elevate up to your chest/waist.
/Off                         Used to remove dog from chest/waist.  Sometimes necessary to grab front paws and place them on floor while saying command
/Heel                      Dog will stay near left leg when walking.  If you just want her to come to you, use /Come_Here option instead
/Okay                    Releases dog from stay
/Go          Dog will go where you are pointing

Praise                    If command is successful give dog affection.
Correction            If command is unsuccessful immediately correct dog
                              by popping leash or briefly shaking scruff of neck.
                              Rerun command immediately.

 

Known Bugs:

Bug No.     100054 

Description          Dog distributes contents of trashcan onto floor     

Status   Adding fix into \Leave It for Service Pack 1

100102             

Dog drinks from toilet                                        

No fix yet. Workaround is to always flush and close toilet.

100242             

Dog pulls leash doesn't respond to \Heel             

Using special hardware to implement fix in SP1

100324             

Dog cannot catch anything bigger than popcorn   

No fix. Awaiting end of awkward phase.  

 
100004             

Dog sniffs other dogs' butts.                               

Won't fix -By Design

100023             

Dog gets caught in loop chasing tail.                  

Won't fix, By Design

100002             

Dog locks up, does not respond to commands    

No Fix. Workaround: Reboot dog by alpha'ing it.

 

If you think this is bad, you should see the one he's written for the kid!

 

Hot Dog!

 

Mr. Na and I ran our first 5k this morning in honor of our six months home together.  I'll admit, pushing 40 pounds in front of me was not as fun as running solo; but just as I was running out of steam and dreading the final hill, a woman on the sidewalk yelled, "you're so cool!" 

smile!

The little guy made a few runners chuckle as he raised his arms in the air and said "go! go! go!"  Despite my lag in time, I like my new little running buddy! 

I'm Going to Hell

Before I insult half of my readership (that's my husband and maybe two more of you), I want to apologize.  I don't mean any disrespect with what you're about to read.  That said, if you're too sensitive or you're suffering from PMS this week, read on at your own risk or skip this post entirely.
 
I have to go to the midwest next week to introduce our son to my inlaws.  I hate the midwest.  I was born on a coast and I grew up on another (better) coast and I think the midwest is just this vast waste of space sandwiched between coastlines.  And don't ask me, either, why the fuck we're going in August--of all months.  I guess I just wanted to experience hell at full furnace.

My only saving grace is that I'm meeting one of my dearest friends who moved from LA back to the midwest (poor dear) and we're going to Cedar Point for a day.  I've never been to Cedar Point but I'm crazy about amusement parks.  Love 'em.  Granted, I get to stand in line for three hours for each ride with fellow fudgies in 80% humidity; but isn't that just the part of the fun? 

So now I'm entreating you to make this entry interactive.  If you've been to Cedar Point recently, post me a comment and let me know which rides to avoid and which ones are worth the wait. 

I'll be reporting from hell regularly...and will even throw in a few audio blogs for your listening pleasure.    
 

My Boy Wants to Potty All the Time...

(Quick!  How many of you read the title and remembered Eddie Murphy's one hit wonder "Party All The Time"?  If you did, I'm sending you this CD because you, my friend, were undoubtedly a part of the Elite Eighties).
 
And now a word from our sponsor:
 
I'm not one who enjoys shamelessly plugging products (oh wait, wasn't I in advertising? ) but Daily Candy has promoted the coolest kiddie product to date:  Zeets.
 
Zeets are disposable cardboard seat covers for public bathrooms and if you have a toddler, they're the absolute shit. 
 
I can't tell you how frigging disgusting it is when I have to take my little one to a public toilet.  He's in the throes of potty training and while I'd rather just have him let it fly in his die-dee, I can't because he's literally this close to being fully potty trained.  So I cringe whenever we're out in public (which is every single day, for hours on end) and he proudly says "poo poo?" It's uncanny, too--just when I'm ready to bite into a sandwich or eat a salad, he's gotta go, which for me has become a new appetite suppressant. 
 
I think I would die if I had the ability to see all microscopic bacteria and if I did, I most certainly wouldn't use public restrooms.  As it is, my skin begins to crawl just opening a stall door, let alone, God forbid, I see someone else's waste either in the toilet or on the seat. 
 
It never fails either--from out of nowhere my kid sprouts tentacles like an octopus whenever we go to the bathroom and he touches everything in sight.  What's worse is that his tukus is so small, he'd most definitely fall in if I didn't hold his hands when I put him on the seat.  So we both are ready for full-body delousing by the time he's done.
 
So thank God someone came along and finally made life a little easier for us germaphobes.  Prior to discovering Zeets, I was seriously contemplating on keeping the kid in diapers until he turned 20.
 
Word of advice:  Zeets is only available online through two different e-tailers: Breast Feeding Express  or Potty Training Solutions.  BFE is a huge rip off because they charge $5.00 for each package you buy for shipping, which is ridiculous.  So unless you live in one of the eight measly states that carry this product, ordering through Potty Training Solutions is the way to go.  But beware--they'll be on backorder for God only knows how long. 

Procrastination or...

It's Sunday night.
Hubby's out for coffee...
Baby's asleep in bed...
The night is still young.
 
Do I:
a) work on my manuscript?
or
b) watch Bands Reunited: Frankie Goes to Hollywood?
 
See what sucks here is that I chose "b" even though this fucking episode's been on the TiVo for over a month!  And the kicker?  I'm barely even watching it.  I'm Blogging instead!
 
Yes my friends, this is the story of my life.  I have oodles of free time this evening and how do I choose to spend it? On the fucking couch, sharing popcorn with the dog...watching Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
 
Oh shit, now it's over...do I:
a) work on my manuscript?
b) watch tonight's Six Feet Under?
or my newest guilty pleasure...reruns of
c) My So-Called Life? (gasp, Juliana Hatfield was in the last episode as an angel...how fitting!)
 
Well, looks like Six Feet Under is the choice.  Sigh!  Maybe tomorrow? :-)
 
 

It's Good to Be Da King

Well, all in all, today was a good day to be a criminal.
 
Martha Stewart received a five month sentence; Robert Blake's murder trial has been postponed; and Slobodan Milosevic's war crimes trial has been delayed because poor Sloby's blood pressure's too high.
 
But on the plus side, the Bush twins have hit the campaign trail.  Check your local papers to find out when they'll be visiting a local bar near you.  If you're lucky, one of 'em might french kiss ya!
 
 

Think Before You Speak

A friend of mine sent me a link of some very funny responses to people who ask stupid questions about adoption.

I never really cared too much about the Fourth of July since the Bicentennial celebration in 1976 when I was 8. And even then I had Schoolhouse Rock to thank, along with the fact that I grew up on a street in NJ where the Baylor Massacre took place.

But this Fourth of July was slightly more special than previous years because my son became an American citizen this year and got to watch fireworks for the first time. Of course, he didn't understand any of it--and won't for a few more years--but the idea of bringing him here to this country to live fills my heart with hope that he has a much better chance of leading a happy, healthy life than if he remained in an orphange in a coal mining city in southeastern Ukraine.

Now I'm not trying to be all self-righteous or anything--branding myself a saint for saving this poor little guy from destitution. I'll firmly admit that I adopted because I wanted a child, first and foremost.

However, I do think that the greatest part about my son being an American is that he has the freedom to choose. Since he was born in Ukraine, he will have dual citizenship until he turns 18. At that time, he can either renounce his Ukrainian citizenship, or he can decide to live in Ukraine and go into the army--a choice I'll wholeheartedly respect whichever he decides.

I often wonder, though, what the world will be like in 16 years. Maybe by then, this country won't be such a great place to live and Ukraine will have become an economic dynamo worthy of inhabiting. Maybe by then, all males by their 18th birthday will have to enter into the U.S. Army as is now the case with many other countries. Maybe by then, many of the rights we enjoy as Americans will be stripped away. Of course that would mean the collapse of our Democracy--something that just can't happen...

I shudder to think.