Is it Safe?

I'm sure everyone is going to be writing in their blogs tonight about the debate and who they hated more and why. So I've decided to write about who I hate--outside of the presidential candidates--my dentist.

I don't actually hate my dentist per se--I mean he's a pretty decent guy. It's his hygienist I hate because she's the one who inflicts pain upon me. She's evil. EVIL I tell you. E-V-I-L!

It's only been within the last eight years that I've been really dilligent about seeing a dentist every six months and flossing my teeth. But the reason why I'm so anal about it now is because the first time I went after a long hiatus, they measured my gum pockets to be wider than the Grand Canyon. So, I do my penance every six months and go in for my routine cleaning and exam--and the gums have definitely gotten better except now middle age is sinking in and all the clinching I've been doing in my sleep and throughout my career and in taking care of a toddler has taken its toll, causing me to feel pain in my upper right incisor to the point where it feels like I am constantly sucking on a 9 volt battery.

My dentist has three or four hygienists in his office and I usually book my appointments with the kinder, gentler persuasion so I can avoid the woman I fondly refer to as the Bitch of Buchenwald. But I recently had to reschedule my appointment and the only time slot available was with BoB--and so I spent 90 minutes in the chair of death while she shamed me for not flossing properly.

Don't get me wrong--BoB's a nice lady and I'm sure her Teuton looks have nothing to do with the fact she's a sadist. It's just that she wields her "gentle" ultra-sonic cleaning tool as if there's a war inside my mouth and the plaque she's fighting wants to overthrow the regime.

I writhed beneath BoB, eyes shut, as beads of sweat formed on my head while thoughts of Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man danced in my head. "Find your happy place, find your happy place," I cried inside while Chuck Mangione wafted through the room--above the drone of BoB's weapon. I hate Chuck Mangione. I hate Smooth Jazz. I hate BoB and I hate the chair of death.

Alas, she clicked the tool "off" and I breathed a sigh of relief. I was safe again.

Two things to note today: A) I FINALLY finished the piece I want to submit to the parenting anthology. Wish me luck; B) Chimpy made the front page of McSweeney's. Oh that man of mine...is there anything that he can't do?

Smile! I see you!

Ever wonder who's reading your blog?

I do and I use Site Meter to track who my readers are.

It's just nice to see where everyone's from--and I even have a few people who visit me about once a week. (Hi to the person at the EPA or Ameritech! Hi Poppy!)

Today I had a reader from Whole Foods. (I LOVE your store and used to do PR for you! Sustainable fishing anyone?)

I just wanna say "thanks" for reading! I don't know how you stumbled across my site, but I'm glad you found me!

Old Life + New Life = Sheer Exhaustion

We adopted our son from Ukraine this past January when he was 19 months old. Needless to say, I'm a relatively "new mom" and I've spent the last nine months at home getting to know him and seeing him flourish from a tiny, malnourished baby to a bright, beautiful and active little two year-old boy who, at the moment, is singing the "Backpack" song from Dora the Explorer.

Prior to finding our son, I spent 16 years in advertising and PR--fields which, in my opinion, are better left for 20-somethings who have more drive, ambition, and that inner gooey, rubbery stuff we all possess at a young age that enables shit to literally bounce right off of us. I was pretty happy to get out of the business--though I managed to work on a few cool accounts and was able to "retire" somewhat fulfilled.

During these last few months, though, I've discovered that when my former life interferes with my current life, it's as if two worlds are colliding and I'm caught right in the middle.

For example, a few days ago, a former client of mine representing one of the world's largest food manufacturers called me up and asked me to help out on a project they were working on. They needed someone so desperately they didn't care that I'd be working from home in my Paul Frank jammies with my little guy ramming our dog with his Mega Bloc dump truck in the background.

So there I was--on the phone with one of the top radio stations in NYC, trying to negotiate a radio buy and basically trying to sound in control when all of a sudden my son finds me in my hiding spot on the other side of the house yelling, "MAAAAAAAA-MAAAAA! Maaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh-maaaaaaaaah! There she is! Hi Mama!"

The radio rep on the other end just sniggered...and I knew he was going to be a bastard on the final deal. I was pretty embarrassed.

"Can you tell I work out of my house?" I asked innocently.
"Um, yeah. But you're lucky!" he replied.

Don't get me wrong--I love being a stay-at-home mom and I love my son to pieces. In theory, it gives me time to write...which in theory, is what I do. But I haven't exactly yet found my groove. This mommy business is hard work! Really hard! Bless you mamas who have MORE THAN ONE because I am exhausted with just the one

I'm bein' followed by a moonshadow...

According to Associated Press, Yusuf Islam, the man known to the world as singer/songwriter Cat Stevens, was denied entry into the U.S. today on a flight from London.

It was reported that Islam was traveling to the U.S. to promote his new DVD of his 1976 Majikat Tour.

Islam had recently re-recorded his 1970 hit "Peace Train" in opposition of the U.S. war on Iraq--however, he has openly criticized the September 11 attacks and the most recent hostage situation in Beslan, Russia.

Though I am not a big fan of Cat Stevens, this story made me sick inside.

The Patriot Act strikes again.

Cat Stevens - Moon Shadow Lyrics
Yes
I'm bein' followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow
moon shadow.
Leapin' and hoppin' on a moon shadow
moon shadow
moon shadow.
And if I ever lose my hands
lose my power
lose my land -
Oh
if I ever lose my hands

Ooh
I won't have to work no more.
And if I ever lose my eyes
if my colours all run dry

Yes
if I ever lose my eyes

Ooh
I won't have to cry no more.

Yes
I'm bein' followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow
moon shadow.
Leapin' and hoppin' on a moon shadow
moon shadow
moon shadow.
And if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg

Oh
if I ever lose my legs

Ooh
I won't have to walk no more.
And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth North and South

Yes
if I ever lose my mouth

Ooh
I won't have to talk.

Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light.
Did it take long to find me and are you gonna stay the night?

I'm bein' followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow
moon shadow.
Leapin' und hoppin' on a moon shadow
moon shadow
moon shadow.
Moon shadow
moon shadow
moon shadow
moon shadow.

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

For the last six years my husband and I have retreated to one of the prettiest patches of Pacific Northwest coastline for a week of R&R.

Aside from taking the dog for a swim in the ocean, there isn't a whole hell of a lot to do, especially in September, when the weather can range from nice and sunny to gloomy to terrential downpour. So our "R&R" entails little more than hours of reading, writing, nookie and a daily stroll on the sand.

This was the first year we brought Mr. Na to the beach--something we both looked forward to for a long, long time. I don't want to say we had a "bad" time because that would sound too harsh--but we had a "different" time. There's no such thing as "quiet time" with a two year-old around, that's for sure! So of the above mentioned beach activities, we managed to get a lot of, uh, reading done...between 2-5 p.m. and after 9 p.m.

I'd rather be swimming in the ocean, thank you!


Actually, all bitching aside, I had fun flying kites!

Cuz we are surfin'...surfin' on the World Wide Web

Wanna know the top 30 most mistake-filled movies? Wanna see which DVDs have Easter Eggs hidden in them? Then check out Movie Mistakes online.


I personally loved seeing the gas cannister on the back of a chariot during the film Gladiator.

New rule of the day...never go to a double feature of scary movies and expect to get a full night's rest when you get home!

Yes, it's true...I am 36 and I slept with the light on last night. Shut up.

Jade and I saw Open Water and the Exorcist-The Beginning. Of the two, Open Water was the movie that scared the freaking shit out of me while watching it. It just seemed so real and put me into the "what would I do?" mode the entire time.

The Exorcist-The Beginning, on the other hand, sucked major ass. It wasn't scary at all--yet that was the movie that kept me awake all night with the lights on. Why? Well, let me put it this way: demon possession is one of those things where, I don't know if it's real, but if I found out it was, it would be the hard way either by being possessed myself, or knowing someone who was...and don't you think that'd really be a sucky way of finding out?

So last night after the movies, I was lying in bed alone, since my dear hubby had a sour stomach after eating the rest of the Trader Joe's Dunkers (serves you right you bastard) and is on the couch in the den supposedly studying but really reading the new Dave Eggers anthology personalized by Dave who wrote: "thank you, thank you, thank you for contributing some of the best goddamn work..." (for McSweeney's) and signing it "your mentee" (and I realize I am paraphrasing here since I can't find the actual book now--probably because C took it with him to either a) show it off at work; and/or b) is carefully preserving it in his laptop bag instead of having mine or our son's grubby hands mucking it up...and all I keep thinking of is that if I turn off the light, some crazy-ass demon is going to spider-climb my walls into my bedroom and scare the shit out of me and I can't let that happen or else I won't sleep and if I don't sleep I'll be worthless trying to tote Mr. Na around all day and entertain him because he expects me to be frigging Bob Hope all the time...but as it turns out I can't sleep with the light on either so I wonder if I'm better off trying to finish reading Rabbit Redux, which, by the way, is pretty good or just trying to get into a good position to fall asleep--which isn't working because the more I toss and turn, the tighter my silk pajamas get--so much so that I'm giving myself a major wedgie.

So then, of course, I try and talk myself out of leaving the light on and I shut it off only to remember the movie trailer I saw for Ju-On earlier in the afternoon where the little boy ghost sits on the bed while the woman sleeps...so now I'm thinking there's this little Asian boy on the foot of my bed which is why the dog jumped down and if I open my eyes, he'll have his beady little ghost eyes fixed on me.

Sometime after 5 a.m. I managed to fall asleep (with the light on).

On the plus side, my finest material is written on the shortest amount of sleep. Maybe it's giddiness...or maybe my internal editor is too groggy to give a shit about what I write...

So I was having drinks tonight with Dave Eggers...no seriously, in fact, my dear hubby bought a pitcher for the table. Never mind the fact he was with 20 other people...he drank our beer so now he's considered family.

Alright, let me back track by saying that I and my wonderfully talented writer friends went to see Dave Eggers speak tonight at the U Bookstore. He was promoting his latest collection with two local contributors. Afterwards, we met up with him at a local watering hole.

Like Ben Folds, Dave also strikes me as the kind of guy friend I should have had in high school (see my post about Ben). What can I say--I'm a sucker for dry wit--which is probably why I love my husband so much (though he's driving me up a fucking wall about the fact that he's had two lists already published on Mcsweeney's website).

So I'm a little bummed we didn't get to chat all that much. When he said goodbye to me and C, I said "I'm so glad we at least had a chance to catch up..." but really, I had so many burning questions left unanswered like:
1) Who does the Golden Retriever actually belong to? and
2) What exactly did you draw on the inside cover of my copy of AHWOSG?

I guess they'll remain unanswered until next time!