Is it Safe?

I'm sure everyone is going to be writing in their blogs tonight about the debate and who they hated more and why. So I've decided to write about who I hate--outside of the presidential candidates--my dentist.

I don't actually hate my dentist per se--I mean he's a pretty decent guy. It's his hygienist I hate because she's the one who inflicts pain upon me. She's evil. EVIL I tell you. E-V-I-L!

It's only been within the last eight years that I've been really dilligent about seeing a dentist every six months and flossing my teeth. But the reason why I'm so anal about it now is because the first time I went after a long hiatus, they measured my gum pockets to be wider than the Grand Canyon. So, I do my penance every six months and go in for my routine cleaning and exam--and the gums have definitely gotten better except now middle age is sinking in and all the clinching I've been doing in my sleep and throughout my career and in taking care of a toddler has taken its toll, causing me to feel pain in my upper right incisor to the point where it feels like I am constantly sucking on a 9 volt battery.

My dentist has three or four hygienists in his office and I usually book my appointments with the kinder, gentler persuasion so I can avoid the woman I fondly refer to as the Bitch of Buchenwald. But I recently had to reschedule my appointment and the only time slot available was with BoB--and so I spent 90 minutes in the chair of death while she shamed me for not flossing properly.

Don't get me wrong--BoB's a nice lady and I'm sure her Teuton looks have nothing to do with the fact she's a sadist. It's just that she wields her "gentle" ultra-sonic cleaning tool as if there's a war inside my mouth and the plaque she's fighting wants to overthrow the regime.

I writhed beneath BoB, eyes shut, as beads of sweat formed on my head while thoughts of Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man danced in my head. "Find your happy place, find your happy place," I cried inside while Chuck Mangione wafted through the room--above the drone of BoB's weapon. I hate Chuck Mangione. I hate Smooth Jazz. I hate BoB and I hate the chair of death.

Alas, she clicked the tool "off" and I breathed a sigh of relief. I was safe again.

Two things to note today: A) I FINALLY finished the piece I want to submit to the parenting anthology. Wish me luck; B) Chimpy made the front page of McSweeney's. Oh that man of mine...is there anything that he can't do?