Monday, December 29, 2003

Whoa! So it took me, what, four months to the very day to blog again? What is that all about? It's not like I've been busy or anything. Well, just a tiny bit busy.

Today is a good day. I just re-read my last post and remembered how sad I was then. Things are good now. I'm hoping the trend lasts.

We only came back from Prague and London less than two weeks ago and already we're on the go again. Yes that's right...we got the good news that we're going to Ukraine next week. Next Wednesday. Holy shit.

We'll be gone for an entire month and the goal is to come back completely transformed as parents. That's the goal at least. If the "happy vibes" trend continues, it'll happen. But that's so fucking hard to predict right now. So, instead of predicting I'll just say what we're hoping for....we hope to go to Kiev, go to the adoption center, find a child we want, go to that child's orphanage, get the child examined by two doctors, decide whether or not we want to adopt that child and then go to court and adopt him. That's if everything goes smoothly. First off...we could get to Kiev and we'll be told "sorry but we don't have any healthy kids under the age of 8..." Will we come home with an 8 year old? Who the hell knows...but I do know one get an 8 year-old that's been institutionalized all of his/her life and there's a lot of work that needs to be done. A lot of repairation...and that's if the child can feel like he or she can trust anyone ever.

Secondly, we could go to Kiev and find toddlers but they are physically or mentally handicapped. Perhaps they suffer from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Fetal Alcohol Effect. Maybe they have a club foot...maybe they have a cleft palate. The question is...what are WE capable of accepting as parents? What can WE handle? That's a tough question given that I'm not even a parent yet...

So yeah I'm a little freaked. I have a lot to think about and a lot to talk about with C. I'll admit, we have visions of a perfect little puttie---but I'm not apologetic about it. I've been infertile for four years and haven't had any kids yet...I don't understand why I can't have a fantasy of a Gerber baby like everyone else. But our decision is going to be based on three-parts medical and one-part gut instinct. We may find a child over there we fall absolutely in love with and maybe he is long as he is reasonably healthy and has a long life expectancy...

Sometimes I wonder what I'm getting myself into!

I have to say that I wasted two years of my life in therapy...when all I needed to do was get my hormonal cycle back in balance. Since I've been seeing a naturopath, I feel much less anxious and much more at peace. Sure I'm stressed about this trip---but months ago, I would have been a walking zombie, freaking out every minute. Now I feel I'm on a more even keel and hey...I didn't need any drugs! No antidepressants, no psychological's amazing how much the body affects the mind. Here my medical doctor is telling me I'm entering menopause and then my naturopath is telling me not to believe that for a second. I'd like to believe she's right.

So this trip...will be a trip. Going to a strange country where no one smiles...and bribery is a form of doing business. A place where I can hardly speak the language (I do know some Russian...though the equivalent of a three year old); a place that is bitter fucking cold in January; to meet people I've only "met" online...If you would have asked me six or seven years ago if I'd ever go to Ukraine to adopt a baby...I'd be like "you're high"! But's an adventure and if it all goes's something I can't wait to share with my kids. I want them to have access to their culture; I want them to want to meet their birthparents when they're old enough; I want them to enjoy life the way we enjoy it.

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